Dying

My mom died.  Died - by choking to death on food at breakfast in a nursing home - the one place she didn't want to die - and I know this isn't the way she ever thought it would happen.

You can think you have prepared yourself for a parent's death - but nothing makes that early morning phone call easier.  You can tell yourself in her moments of misery that it would be best for her to "go" because her quality of life is so miserable.  That doesn't help the grown man son when the day actually arrives.  Nothing helps - you just walk through it.  I wasn't there.  I wasn't anywhere near.  The last phone call a week earlier had been strained from trying to understand her voice and me trying to talk loud enough for her to hear.  She did hear me - and I heard her.  She knew who I was and said she loved me.  I did the same.  My regret is that I didn't know that would be the last phone call.  It's the regret of millions of other people facing the same experience.  How do you ever know that will be the last conversation - especially when you think you have a couple of years remaining?

I know what death is - and I fully understand that it's what has to happen to every human on a  timeline that is unique to each individual.  I no longer associate death to an afterlife that many others do.  I'm OK with that - although I'm envious of those who somehow get comfort from what they have convinced themselves happens in their version of the afterlife.  They speak of it with such confidence.  I know -I used to be one of them.  I've also been on the receiving end of many of their tributes to my mom in which they express those beliefs so freely to me.  My mom believed the same thing - and a huge part of me hopes that she is now on the receiving end of what she thought the afterlife would be.  I hope for that for her - and at the same time find myself filled with anger at the thought of a "God" who would have her last moments on this earth filled with terror as she choked to death.  Hadn't she been through enough over the past 83 years?

My anger is not really at that God - because I don't believe that any rendition of a God put her through those last moments.  I can't believe that - it just doesn't come naturally to me.  I wonder why and how it does to so many others?  The sentiments expressed to me are well meant by people who truly cared about my mom - and me.  Somehow through my disbelief of their words I find myself still able to appreciate them in the moment although their certitude that I must have the same belief is an incorrect assumption.   On the day we place her ashes in the ground - those sentiments will again be expressed - and her version of God will be praised in both song and word.  I miss her already!

It must be Teton time...

I guess I should just begin to refer to my blog as a "seasonal" ritual since my last entry happened in Spring and now I find myself typing again in Fall.  But what about summer?

We find ourselves perched at the foot of the Tetons in small town Wyoming for a one year adventure.  Actually, it's probably more like a ten month adventure - but who's counting?  It's a place we've been enjoying for almost twenty years and finally decided to take the plunge for a year and "let" Caden experience Third Grade in the snow.  (The snow hasn't started yet - but I have a feeling - it's on the way.)  We could get accustomed to this area even more - but Portland is home and we'll make our way back west next summer.

So what else is new?  We've discovered that life pretty much stays the same no matter where we find ourselves.  School activities along with soccer, climbing, and tennis fill Caden's days.  It's true what they say about kids.  "They are adaptable."  (but it's not exactly a difficult place to adapt to.)  I find myself as the "room parent" for Caden's class.  Wait a minute!  Did I just type that?  How did that happen?  Oh - I know - no one else volunteered!

Over the past few months I've had more than several moments when I thought to myself - I need to blog about that - but got distracted and didn't get around to it.  So here's some topics to throw out with a little editorial content thrown in.

NFL domestic violence scandals... Really?  We are shocked that an industry built upon the idea of violence, aggressive behavior, and steroid use results in abuse being carried out off the field against non-football players?  Who could have ever thought that up?  And the chance that the NFL hierarchy might have wanted to cover it up to not soil the sterling reputation of the corporation?!  No chance that would ever happen!  Don't even get me started on concussions!

That brings me to Jameis Winston and college football.  I used to be a huge fan of college football.  (I think it was more for the pageantry of the game than the actual game itself...but still... I loved going to games and watching them on television.)  I've become jaded.  It's a huge business that actually has nothing to do with a school other than sharing the name.  Caring about a school because of a football team - seems a little outdated now.  People like Jameis Winston and Johnny Manziel do nothing to help elevate the reputation of their programs - but I don't think the schools/teams care about reputation anymore.  It's all about $$$.  Witness the travesty currently going on at Florida State University.  Seriously? - that school doesn't have a single senior administrator that has the power to say... "Sorry buddy - but you've played your last down of football with our school name on your jersey!"

Obama...the people that hated him 6 years ago still hate him now.  (even though he has actually put the country into a war they wanted to begin with - but now they even find fault with that.)  As for me - I still think he's better than anyone else the other side would have had in his place.  I'm not a huge fan of what he's now doing in the Middle East - but I also don't have any idea what the right answer is.  That entire part of the world is a messed up place that our American brains can't wrap our heads around.  In fact - it seems that no one can figure out what the answer is for that region.  Religious fervor (if that's what you want to call it) is dangerous.  I might find faults with our own version of religious fanaticism over here - but thankfully - our loons are losing in their attempts to take over our country.

Obamacare... it had a rough roll-out and I was a harsh critic...but by golly...some people who didn't have health insurance before or actually getting coverage now.  Imagine that!

Same-sex marriage... oh wait... I have it.  Never mind - but still hoping it makes it to every state soon.

Hillary Clinton... just not feeling the passion.  Oh yes - if my choice is her - or any one of the 20 Republican contenders out there...she'll get my vote.  She just won't get me being excited about her being President.

As I said,  things never really change wherever we are.  I'm still ranting!

It must be Spring

I guess it's time to bring out the rusty blogging pen after a good long rest.  Topics cross my mind everyday and I find myself saying, "I should put that down for someone to read".  I could proceed to vent about any number of things - but will choose the one most relevant at this time.

Passover/Easter/Spring...

We went to our first "Seder" this week.  It was pretty eventful for us agnostic types.  I've long been fascinated by the Jewish culture and religion (or are they one and the same?).  We sat at the ritual feast prepared by our friends and took it all in as respectful observers.  Listening to the proceedings and being asked to participate in the readings was amazing to us since we were never made to feel like we should become Jewish after the evening or even share the same affinity for their history and belief system.  It was a simple act of being invited by friends to share in something that is important in their lives.  We couldn't help but leave feeling a little more educated about something we weren't completely familiar with along with knowing that our friends have just as much respect for our belief system as we do theirs (although they are probably going to be waiting a long time for a return visit to celebrate our "we don't know" culture).  One of the best parts of the evening was that Caden tried Matzo Ball Soup for the first time ever - and loved it (although he will deny it because he thinks I am now going to force him to eat soup).  He had question after question on the way home about all the things he didn't understand that occurred around the table.  I think watching the classic Charlton Heston version of "The Ten Commandments" will help answer some of his questions.

Explaining Easter is a little harder.  We obviously know what Easter represents to the Christian faith - but upon explaining it to Caden, his response was - "That's Freaky!"  Not a single question.  The standard "Happy Easter" takes on a more commercial role in our household - just as "Merry Christmas" does.  We try and explain to him that we are more into celebrating Spring and the renewal of all that occurs during that time.  As with most 8 year olds - he gladly celebrates eggs filled with candy - and if it took a story of a man named Jesus coming back to life to get us and TARGET to that celebration - he'll put up with it.   One day he will be the more mature one in our household and will insist that we stop using any wording that makes it appear as if we are in agreement with the stories associated with such words.

I think we can take a lesson from our Jewish friends and recognize that when we say "Happy Passover" to them - we are truly wishing them a good time as they celebrate something important to their family.  It doesn't mean I have to start liking gefilte fish.

and on a completely different note... I ended my last blog slamming the roll-out of the Affordable Care Act.  Yes - it was a very poor beginning - but by golly - I think they've got it - and it just might not be the end of our country after all (if you listen to the other side).

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring to those of you participating in the revelry of any or all of them!

"The Good Old Times"

Or better known as "Auld Lang Syne"...that familiar tune ringing in the New Year...

And what a year of good times it was!  Politically, socially, and personally, the hits kept coming.  Never in my lifetime did I think I would see a sitting President publicly state his support for same-sex marriage.  Oh - I thought the issue would keep gaining momentum in the right direction as it has been doing for the past few years - but not nearly as quickly as it has since our President made such a simple  statement in 2013.  The opposing side on this issue has lost.  Surely they will let it go now (along with the "Right to Choose" issue) if they ever expect to win a national election again.

The U.S. Supreme Court even weighed in on the issue and ruled (correctly) on DOMA along with overturning Prop 8 in California.  Wham! Bam!  It was almost hard to keep up with all the positive rulings between courts (along with actual state voters).  Lost in all of the coverage was the fact that my partner (of almost 18 years) and I might actually have the chance to partake of these rulings IN OUR LIFETIME.

You better watch what you ask for...because one day you just might get it.  On December 11, 2013 we drove 20 minutes away to Vancouver, Washington and stood in front of our son and a few other people (witnesses) and became a LEGALLY married couple.  It was a simple 10 minute event where we expressed our love to each other, exchanged rings and vows, and then signed a piece of paper to make it all "proper".  Our son will grow up knowing that his parents are just like everyone else's married parents (legally that is).  That's all the court battles and votes were ever about...being treated just like everyone else.  (and just one final note to the "losing" side on this issue.  Our son and all of his friends and every "young" person we come in contact with has expressed their support and congratulations on our marriage.)  Do I need to make this any clearer?

Since I've made this post pretty political, I might as well end on this note...

Hey President Obama... love you for your support of my family and all the other good things you have done...but I have to say...
Affordable Care Act rollout...WTF?!?!

Paula Paula Paula

What a week for news it has been!  Between Snowden, Supreme Court rulings, the Zimmerman trial, and Paula Deen, it's hard to keep up!  I'm sure all the reporters who were hoping to take a week's vacation in late June have been sorely disappointed.

You know where my priority has been this week in the news cycle...but I've also found myself oddly attached to the Paula Deen story.  I would love to give all of my thoughts as to why I find it fascinating that people care that her show was cancelled (as if she is going to be in the bread line any day now - if for no other reason than she already knows how to bake her own bread...)

Anyway...here's an excellent article by Frank Bruni that says it so much better than I ever could.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/25/opinion/bruni-paulas-worst-ingredients.html?nl=todaysheadlines&emc=edit_th_20130625&_r=0

And to make matters worse for her...Target and WalMart have now dropped Paula.  Yes - WalMart.  When WalMart (a bastion of the South) says we don't want you 'round these parts  - maybe it's time to take a look at yourself a little closer.

Just sayin'...

Yes - We Won!

Caden began the day with "did we win?".  He knew his two Dad's were in the kitchen glued to the computer and television.  I know he doesn't completely understand what had us on the edge of our seats - but I do know that he was on our side and anxious to hear an answer.  Yes Caden...we won!

It's not a complete victory, but it's one that has us headed in the right direction.  The federal government  must finally acknowledge that families like mine are real and we're not going away - and we deserve Equality.  Nothing more and nothing less.  That's all this is about really.  It's just the chance to live amongst the same set of rules and responsibilities that apply to all other families in our country.

A day like this can pass for many people with nothing more than a simple nod of acknowledgement or maybe not even noticing the news.  For many others though it provided a chance to celebrate and unfortunately, a chance for some to bring out the same old arguments.  I still don't understand the anti-equality side.  Oh - I get that they don't like it and that most of their arguments are based in fear and ignorance, but from a legal stand point I've never been able to figure out why they think they have a dog in this fight.  And today, the Supreme Court basically said the same thing.  In so many words, they were told that they aren't being harmed by same-sex marriage and thus they can't keep it from happening (as it relates to the Prop 8 case).

I have never understood their tired old argument about "every child deserves a mother and father". Huh?  How is that relatable to the issue of same-sex marriage today?  Aren't they aware that same-sex couples are able to be full joint parents today!  (Not in every State though.)  And I'm not just talking about pretending to be parents...I mean full legal parental rights.  I'm part of one of those...and we aren't even MARRIED!

The heartening thing about today is that although those nay-sayers voices were still heard...they were drowned out by us victors.  I have a feeling those lesser voices will soon become smaller and smaller (based on the indications of people in my own family) and although they will always be present, will be considered a sad fringe element in the near future.  (and we always like to have sad fringe elements around to help with blog posts.)

Our day began in the kitchen and pretty much wound down in the kitchen.  This time it was with balloons and champagne for the adults in the family and a root beer for the seven year old boy before heading out for pizza and ice-cream.

We party hard around here!

It's happening....right before our eyes

Marriage Equality that is...

I can't even say "slowly but surely" anymore.  The last few weeks have shown progress that was unheard of just two years ago.  Yes - it's happening in State legislatures and quickly being signed by those states Governors.  I expect more states to follow suit in the next few weeks.

Do you notice what is happening once the Governors sign their new legislation?  Of course, you can't help but hear the the whoops and hollers from the supporters and the boos from the typical naysayers, but do you notice anything else?.  I'm talking about the "nothing" that results from this change in policy.  No earthquakes, no falling sky, and no heterosexual marriages falling apart at the seams (oh - those are still happening, but that's nothing new).  

It's just a bunch of new people being able to finally take part in the rights and responsibilities of marriage.  Period.

They are panicking (new subject now).   The Republican Party that is...

They know they have no one who can win a national election and have to resort to fabricating a controversy to tear Hillary Clinton down.  I'm not even sure Hillary is the best candidate for the job at this time - but the Republican hierarchy must think she is or they wouldn't be going into hysterics to bring her down so early in the 2016 Sweepstakes.

When the Republican party can show that they are interested in governing as a truly fiscally responsible party (as in paying for wars they start) along with having the ability to recognize my family as an equal member of society, I'll give them a look.  Until then, they're just continuing to be a hypocritical and dying organization. 

Seque (pronounced "segway")...I tried to think of an appropriate one - but I couldn't...

Remember when watching American Idol was something that everyone did on Wednesday and Thursday nights?  Don't lie...you know you used to watch it.  Anyway...we haven't watched it for years here, but have found it for the final week the last few years.  My point to all of this is...that Candice girl...Wow!

That's all my rambling for the night...